I haven’t written in a while, mostly because I’ve been feeling really scared lately. Scared of what? I don’t know, to be honest – I could name about a dozen reasons I could feel afraid right now, but what matters more to me is how I’m responding to it.
Fear causes the body to tense up and shut down, as though preparing for something large to fall upon it! But there are no pianos looming overhead, no lions chasing me right now….The true source of the fear is in my biopsychosocialspiritual memory bank. And I forgive myself for that as much as I can, since it wasn’t my fault that I ended up so scared all the time.
However, even if the cause isn’t my fault, it is still my choice how I want to respond to the attitude of fear as it arises and how I can use that powerful survival energy to spiral UP rather than DOWN. Down is ok, too, but I’d rather go up if and when I can.
I’m still waking up before dawn every day and practicing Jin Shin Jyutsu for 30 minutes to an hour. Lately, it seems as though my body has gotten more efficient in directing me toward what I need, and I often just use the first step of the flows (lung flow, 1-flow, large intestine flow, 5,6,7,8 flow).
I was born with clubfeet, meaning that my feet were turned inward and had to be corrected with foot-straightening casts and orthopedic shoes for the first three years of my life. Recently, I feel as though I am healing this extremely ancient-feeling wounding, which (although I cannot remember much other than taking baths with those casts on), seems related to extreme immobility. Feeling trapped, locked down, frozen, with no way to move or get out of the situation. Pretty terrifying for a baby, I imagine.
The flows that want to be done right now are about the “I AM” energy (lung), the “Prime Mover” energy (1-flow), the “I HAVE” energy (large intestine), and the most important “toe flow” (5,6,7,8). And of course, I end almost every session with Umbilicus flow, which relates to projects originating in infancy.
All sorts of other things are moving in my life to support this healing, from receiving love from safe people, to giving love to vulnerable people, to fighting for the rights of traumatized people at my job, to doing LOTS of dance, which is essential to my well-being and basic sense of joy in the world.
Healing does not happen overnight, and usually a conglomeration of factors create it, rather than one “magic bullet” (although I’m sure that does exist!) I feel lucky to have the privilege in this life to work hard on my own healing and on the healing of other people, so that we can all approach life from a more whole, healthy, and ecstatic place.
We all deserve ecstasy in this lifetime. As trauma therapist Kenneth Robinson puts it, “Freedom is not a luxury; ecstasy is not an indulgence.” I believe that whole-heartedly, and also believe that it is possible for anyone to open up to inner joy and bliss if they are willing to deal with the pain of letting go of the past, which is arduous work. It takes a long time and can be a very bumpy road at times, but it is so worth the journey. Freedom of body, mind, and spirit are so worth the bumpy – at times scary – journey.